(!!Flirt!!^) people who are single

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Article about people who are single:
I'm getting to understand why. T here remains a pervasive notion that happiness can only truly come from finding a spouse
lest one rot of loneliness in some dusty attic. But a new study out of the University of California at Santa Barbara provides a very different view of singledom
one that this single woman finds enormously encouraging.

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In work presented at the American Psychological Association’s 124th annual conference
Bella dePaulo suggests that single people may have more fulfilling social lives and experience greater psychological growth than some married people. She sifted through 814 studies and found data that showed that single people are more connected with family and friends
whereas marriage tends to make two people insular. She also found that the more self-sufficient single people were
the less likely they were to experience negative emotions. But with married people
greater self-sufficiency actually seemed tied to stress and difficulty. You don't need an extreme bucket list to find happiness. Just eat more waffles | Mary Elizabeth Williams. DePaulo’s work is certainly timely. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics
in 2014 there were 124.6 million unmarried Americans over age 16
meaning 50.2% of the nation’s adult population was single. Compare that to 1976
when only 37.4% of American adults were single. I’m 35
and single by choice for the first time in 20 years. That means that from 1996 to 2016
I was always in a relationship or chasing a relationship. I was also going to high school
finishing college
completing a master’s degree
working various jobs
publishing books
and lots of other things. But underlying it all
even my passionate love for my work
was the deep-seated belief that I must have a partner in order to be a complete or worthy being. I never applied that thinking to anyone else. I just knew that I wasn’t good enough to be alone. My constant pursuit of relationships stemmed from my own fear of being with myself. I grew up with severe depression and anxiety
resulting in flare-ups of agoraphobia and even suicidal thinking. I grew accustomed to relying on the intervention of friends and family
as well as mental health professionals. It saved my life
but I felt in my core that I was broken and unfit for adulthood. I must need to be supervised at all times
right? Monitored. Accompanied. Just in case it got bad again. Just in case the medication stopped working. Just in case my brain did what it does sometimes. The result was that I sometimes chose relationships that were deeply unhealthy. As long as somebody kept hanging out with me
I could endure emotional abuse
gaslighting
and all the rest of the fun that humans sometimes do to the ones they claim they love. I could get smacked in the face and stick with somebody because hey
maybe I deserved it for being an unworthy creature. I could be used for perceived professional or personal connections. I could also ignore my own missteps
failings and garbage behavior. It’s tempting to blame somebody else for everything. It’s tempting to blame oneself for everything. The truth is generally more nuanced. One cannot truly be happy if one is always dependent on someone else for emotional and financial resources. And I know very well that being depended upon for love
money
etc. does not make for a joyful union. After choosing one too many imbalanced situations
I figured I ought to stop focusing on other people’s issues and start figuring out what the hell was wrong (and right) with me. I cried a lot for awhile
because when you stack relationships on top of each other for two decades
you never properly mourn what you’ve lost along the way. I reflected on wonderful times with wonderful people and terrible times with terrible people (there was a lot of crossover). I thought about the ways in which I had been wonderful
and terrible
and sometimes just mediocre. It’s been painful to acknowledge all this
but what I’m left with is a strange sense of gratitude
even when I’m crying or lonely or really
really angry. Opinion writers at the Guardian and elsewhere don’t get to craft our own headlines.













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