When you make a new friend

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Article about when you make a new friend:
T here’s an assumption in life that by the time you’ve reached your more seasoned years
you’ve made all the close friends you need. Surely you’ve accumulated enough through school
university and work. But I’ve learned that close friends can be made at any age.

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In my case
one of my most meaningful
profound friendships was formed when I was in my mid-50s. It is a unique bond that crosses cultures
languages and continents. The first time I met Kyung-sook Shin I was unbelievably nervous. I was 56 and she was 10 years my junior. I was a New York literary agent and she the most famous author in Korea
comparable to JK Rowling. Her groundbreaking novel
Please Look After Mother
was all about a mother who sacrificed everything for her family only to be discarded by them. When it came out in Korea in 2009
it was the bestselling book that year. Kyung-sook’s novels often concentrate on the marginalisation of women
giving a voice to those otherwise ignored. This has earned her a huge
loyal readership among women
as well as men
all captivated by her poetry and emotional depth. At the time
nobody outside Korea had heard of Kyung-sook Shin or Korean literature but
in my heart and mind
I knew the value of it. I sent her a long and detailed letter outlining my plan for her book and how I could help it become a global sensation with translations in every language. When Kyung-sook turned down all the major New York agencies and chose me
I was overjoyed
but also nervous. Now I would have to deliver on what I had promised. By the time we first met in person
it was 2011 and she was in New York for her US publication. Two years had passed since first writing to her and Please Look After Mother had sold around the world. We had agreed to meet for dinner and soon the panic set in. To me
she was a true literary god. What restaurant was special enough for her? I had to pay respect and honour her properly. Also
I don’t speak Korean and she doesn’t speak much English. My Korean agent
Joseph Lee
agreed to act as an interpreter. I chose Asiate
the five-star restaurant on the 35th floor of the Time Warner building
overlooking Central Park. When we finally met
Kyung-sook took my hand in hers and we walked into the dining room side by side. It was such an intimate gesture and I wasn’t used to such warmth from someone I had just met. Curiously
we didn’t talk much about her books or her career
but rather the tasting menu and what we would eat. I quickly learned that we had a lot in common: we love travel
literature (of course!) and fine dining. Kyung-sook insisted we share our food
cutting small pieces off all the dishes on her plate and handing each one to me. “Taste this. Taste that
Barbara!” She genuinely rejoiced in the meal
which lasted for hours and included many bottles of wine. It was only later that I learned how Koreans value good food and about the importance they place on sharing and bonding over meals. Afterwards
as we left the restaurant
Kyung-sook again took my hand in hers and we meandered along Central Park South in the cool breeze of an autumn evening. Fast forward 12 years and we have forged a friendship that feels as if it has existed for a lifetime. While our relationship has taught me many things
maybe the most important is that you can build some of your most supportive
life-altering friendships at any stage. Kyung-sook is soft-spoken
delicate and she moves and speaks gracefully. I am a fast-talking New Yorker born in Brooklyn who talks with my hands. (Only this year I discovered that Koreans consider using hand gestures while speaking incredibly rude.) We have polar-opposite personalities and not just because we live in different worlds and cultures. Kyung-sook is reserved
she keeps her hurts and suffering to herself
while I
when responding to wrongs
come out punching like a prize fighter. Though Kyung-sook writes powerfully about injustice
she is not someone who will stand on a street corner protesting like me. I am the kind of person who never takes “no” for an answer. When I first discovered Korean literature my international colleagues
publishers
editors and even my family couldn’t understand my passion. I doggedly persisted
but it was a very long time before Korean culture broke on to the global stage. It took me 10 years to sell The Vegetarian
which later won the Man Booker International Prize. Throughout this tough period in my life
Kyung-sook always supported me and my mission. She showed me a very different approach to dealing with a professional or personal setback: she doesn’t fight
she accepts. She regroups to heal and focuses on restoring her inner strength instead of allowing outside forces to suffocate her. At first
I couldn’t understand what seemed like emotional surrender
but as I got to know her better
I began to appreciate and eventually to emulate her Korean ways. She has taught me that everything is not always a battle. I never believed in destiny before I met Kyung-sook. I assumed I had complete control over my fate and it was up to me to make everything I tackle in life a success or failure. But Kyung-sook often tells me that each book has its own destiny and that I shouldn’t worry. I’m beginning to think she is right. There are limits to what we can control
and there is something else – call it mystical
magical
metaphysical – that does affect our lives. Thanks to our friendship
I am less reactive and more patient. I finally understand that you can’t fight your way out of your destiny. This attitude shift has given me a serenity I never had before. Lately
my husband
family and friends have remarked how calm I seem and how much I have changed. They were used to impatient and volatile Barbara. I would let my intense emotions burst out
causing conflicts with others and making myself more unhappy. The changes I recognise in myself seem long lasting. I think unconsciously I have re-programmed my mind. I have a new sense of longevity and realisation that everything doesn’t have to be taken care of or responded to instantly. My husband used to say to me
and still does sometimes
“Who’s chasing you
Barbara?” Now
I laugh and calm down because no one is chasing me
except myself. Over the past 12 years
I have visited Korea many times and travelled with Kyung-sook the length and breadth of the country. One particularly memorable trip was to Unmunsa
the Cloud Gate Temple. Eight hours by train and car from Seoul
hidden in the mountains
it is the largest training college for Buddhist nuns in Korea. The director had invited Kyung-sook to give a talk to the students. Watching a group of novice nuns
seated on the floor in a semicircle around their favourite author
listening enraptured
was an unforgettable highlight. On another trip
Kyung-sook took me to the famous Bomunsa Temple
where a Buddha is carved into the hillside. Legend suggests if you make your wish at the beginning of your 1
000-step ascent to the Buddha
it will come true. Mine was that I could make it to the top without my bothersome knees giving way under me. Kyung-sook
who is fit and raised on hiking in the Korean mountains
took my hand and led me slowly. She didn’t make me feel like an out-of-shape couch potato
but instead chose the moment to give me my first lesson in the Korean language. By the time we reached the summit
I had learned my first word – “kamsahamnida”
which means in English “thank you”. She promised that one word would be my passport to Korea
and indeed it has been. In April
Kyung-sook published her first novel in 11 years – I Went to See My Father . For me
the publication bookends Please Look After Mother and is also a testament to our everlasting friendship. We have weathered many storms individually and together – not just in publishing but in our personal lives
too. But here we are
as we began
celebrating and rejoicing yet again.













when you make a new friend